the never-ending dealings with crohn's. and no, it's not a love story.

The tiny bit of my rectum, the rectal stump, that was spared the big removal makes itself reminded from time to time. Mainly it's due to my lack of muscle strenght and the difficulty holding in the secretion the stump produces. It's a little bit annoying, but nothing that I can't live with. Other times it cramps a bit and I can see a bit of blood on the paper. It always seem to pass though and I remember my surgeon telling me once that it would happen. 

As of last week's turmoil of ileus, the stump has been in a foul mood with uncomfortable cramping as a result. I've had to go sit on the toilet like in the old days to relieve myself. Not that it does much, since nothing is passing through anymore. I guess it's mainly the psychological relief. Last night I go to the toilet and find that fresh blood is dropping out of the stump. I feel the chill of fear travelling through my body and my mind immediately gets clouded. This constant battle is too tiring and I want to lay down on the floor and give up. What is the point of all this. 

Pre-therapy I would've decided to stay at home on my own. That's how I dealt with this illness. Somehow I thought not talking about it would shrink the existence of illness. Today I'm tempted to cancel my plans, thinking it's the best thing to do for my health. But I won't. Somehow, cycling to the river, having a relaxing afternoon in the sun with my friend will be much better for me. At least it will allow me to not be on my own with the paralyzing fear and the desperate tears.