'a life less ordinary'
I watch the last episode of 'Mad Men' and I see Don Draper re-positioning, taking steps towards creating a platform where he could be himself. Himself being the person he feels like rather than the one he wants to be. The walls come crashing in and it takes time to find the way out of the ruins. We want to take shortcuts to happiness, but end up getting lost on the way. I'm re-positioning too or at least I'm trying to.
I guess I always struggled with being happy. I have trouble finding meaning in everyday-life. I needed the thrills of adventure to serve me with rushs of adrenaline to keep me going. Nowadays I seem to long for a 'simple' life, where the meaning isn't attached to a bunch of attributes. The sadness comes in waves. Some days the waves are so dense I hardly have a chance to come up for air.
Frustration is sometimes taking all the good space. I realise that poo is on my mind a lot and I envy healthy people for being able to fill their time with more interesting things. He says it's better than it used to be and even though I know he's right, I can't shake the feeling of injustice and I feel the darkness spreading its wings in my diaphragm.
I spend my days at work with some new faces and with people who struggle too. It's not too bad, even though I can't seem to keep my mouth shut anymore about things I've thought was wrong for a long time. I guess it's a part of the re-positioning process. I drag myself to spinningclasses because it's a blessing to be able to sweat through exercise. I pick jasmine flowers on my way home, but despite the wonderful fragance they fail to put a smile on my face. I've got the weekend off and I'm grateful for the time off even though I'm not sure of what to make of it. Maybe I'll roast a chicken and make a ratatouille. Do some reading and take a bikeride in the sunshine.
I need to stop reading those London blogs that make me long for lost days. I need to free myself from the alluring forces of nostalgia.
I need to stop being so hard on myself. I need to make my failures lead to development and growth. It's ok to not be like everyone else.
I need to accept that it's ok to miss him, he with the kind eyes and the companionship. It hurts because it matters and the loss is abysmal.
I guess I always struggled with being happy. I have trouble finding meaning in everyday-life. I needed the thrills of adventure to serve me with rushs of adrenaline to keep me going. Nowadays I seem to long for a 'simple' life, where the meaning isn't attached to a bunch of attributes. The sadness comes in waves. Some days the waves are so dense I hardly have a chance to come up for air.
Frustration is sometimes taking all the good space. I realise that poo is on my mind a lot and I envy healthy people for being able to fill their time with more interesting things. He says it's better than it used to be and even though I know he's right, I can't shake the feeling of injustice and I feel the darkness spreading its wings in my diaphragm.
I spend my days at work with some new faces and with people who struggle too. It's not too bad, even though I can't seem to keep my mouth shut anymore about things I've thought was wrong for a long time. I guess it's a part of the re-positioning process. I drag myself to spinningclasses because it's a blessing to be able to sweat through exercise. I pick jasmine flowers on my way home, but despite the wonderful fragance they fail to put a smile on my face. I've got the weekend off and I'm grateful for the time off even though I'm not sure of what to make of it. Maybe I'll roast a chicken and make a ratatouille. Do some reading and take a bikeride in the sunshine.
I need to stop reading those London blogs that make me long for lost days. I need to free myself from the alluring forces of nostalgia.
I need to stop being so hard on myself. I need to make my failures lead to development and growth. It's ok to not be like everyone else.
I need to accept that it's ok to miss him, he with the kind eyes and the companionship. It hurts because it matters and the loss is abysmal.
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